Now that I’m back on campus… let this be a good reminder for me (and maybe even you)
-originally posted on April 3rd, 2011.
Written by a good friend of mine.. one of whose words reflect deeply and directly into my life. (except for the fact that she’s a woman) The friend reference in this post? Yeah, that was me. I sat next to her as I explained to her the convictions that I’ve had since coming into this damn competitive environment. Glad to be able to connect with someone within McCombs who shares the same thoughts as I do.
And so it begins…
“I’m currently freezing in a room, confined to a 3 by 2 cubicle – but, my mind has never felt so free.
Even if I am shivering, my heart has never felt so warm. I feel grounded in something much deeper.
I open with this:
Since entering the business school, I’ve continually been asked “describe yourself in three words”, “what words best describe you”, “tell me about yourself”. Upon being asked these questions, my heart pounds, my thoughts race: one day I am happy, one day I am sad. Sure I am optimistic, but what about those times when I want to give up on life and faith in people? I’m selfless! (Wait, that’s unoriginal…). I love chocolate – but how can that describe me? Finance is something I’m passionate about but, my knowledge is minimal. HARRY POTTER! I love shopping but…that sounds superficial. I’m loving (SO cliche…). I’m ambitious but not always…
I use to hate being asked these questions, dreadful. It was impossible to me to find words to describe myself, because I find myself constantly changing. My thoughts are fickle, my identity is unclear to even me – why are these questions even created?!
But, wait a minute, how stupid am I? After a recent talk with a friend, I realized: describing myself is the easiest question ever to answer. In fact fellow recruiters, ask me that in interviews and I’ll gladly have a 30 minute-1 hour discussion with you on ONE word that describes me: Christian.
I love my God. I love the things He has shown me from my failures, I love how jealous He is for my attention/affection, I love how unfailing He is, how dependable He is, how unending His forgiveness is…the list goes on…
Most important: I love His selfless love that spurred him to send the only righteous person to die for my sins, Jesus Christ.
Everything that I represent should reflect what God is to me. I should want to reflect the most important thing in my life to others around me. People should not have to ask me “what words best describes you” – it should be evident in my actions, my words, my faith.
After my talk with my friend, I felt convicted and ashamed. People have told me, the business world is for the soul-less. The material comes easy, the life-style is the challenge.
I thought, what life-style? The money? The excitement? The success? Yeah…that’s a real challenge.
I wanted to be a confident, faith-driven woman who lived her life for God, not for the world and those in it. I wanted to put my full trust in God to give me a community and a career and a life that fully highlighted Him in every aspect, because I knew with that would come the happiness, the satisfaction, the true success.
So where did I go wrong?
I lost sight of what I wanted to be, I lost that confidence that I gained from my God because I honestly lost sight of my God. Slowly, I traded (as my friend so beautifully put it) my spiritual walk for my professional climb.
Entering into my sophomore year, the downward spiraling continued. Resume building, workshops, grades, networking…
Not once did I stop and ask God, is this for me? Is this what you have planned for me? Is this career in business really what is in the cards for me?
I led a small group, and felt at times, my heart warm to the words of God – but, it never strayed me from my path of self-seeking destruction.
This brings me to junior year: November 12th, 2010, my awesome friend reveals to me his conviction of being so consumed in the professional world of the business school. Being altered by the pressure, competition, to trade all moral principles for a place with the best.
My self realization: my identity has become what internship offers I am given, what my grade is in comparison to the class average, my resume.
Sure, in the past, there were times where I convicted myself, but I swallowed that, until it was cold stone that became my heart. I was burned by others along the way so I took shelter in the pursuit of worldly desires, taking for granted the gospel and my Father’s forgiveness. Instead, I actively, hungrily pursued school and grades in hopes of creating an identity that this school, and the people in it, would accept and admire…be envious of. Instead of thirsting for my God’s approval and love and relationship, I thirsted to establish myself to those in the future who would be playing a hand in (what I thought/ still struggle in thinking, was/is my future, my life) my career. That’s right, I wanted the approval of these people whom I haven’t even met yet?
Note: I’m not criticizing those who do find this thirst satisfying. Of course not. What makes you happy, what drives you, is your identity. This post is written in regards to how I have lost my identity and found it on things that have given me no happiness or satisfaction.
In all this reflection, I realized why it was so difficult to define myself. I was approaching this question entirely wrong. I was only thinking of myself in worldly terms, in how I would want the world to view me – because my identity changed.
I want people to see me as beautiful, successful, smart, confident, happy, loving, unselfish, giving, forgiving…
Guess where that’s gotten me? No where.
I’m left insecure, unsure, and disappointed.
How easy it all could have been if I would have just allowed myself to accept and sum myself up in one sentence: I am a Christian.
But, there is silver lining my friends. I see that throughout all this, my God has sat and waited patiently. He has never given up. In my hardships, I cried out to Him – and He answered – just to watch me flee back into my worldly desires and chases. He is indescribable to me. And there in lies the beautiful relationship that I want to rebuild myself on.
I have faith in a God that has never physically shown Himself but who’s existence is my identity. Everything I am, everything I was, everything I want to be – is found through you, God.
I am forgiving because my God forgives.
I am patient because my God is patient.
I am loving because my God is loving.
I am loved because my God is jealous for me.
I am happy because I am blessed in so many aspects because of my God.
I am saved because my Savior died for me.
So, I end with this:
Though I am struggling and probably will struggle with this transformation, I will find myself again. I crave to be the adolescent girl who first stepped foot on the campus, eager to change the business world with God as her foundation and faith as her shield.”
“All my security, my destiny, what lies ahead is found in You
all my hopes and dreams, my thoughts unseen, all my wants are found in you
what I dread and fear, all that weighs me down, all my trust is found in You
You’re my sustaining breath, all that gives me strength,
all life-giving is found in You”
